I've got a list of a few things I'm going to try doing on my own, I feel somewhat positive about it. I'm not ready to actually get to them on my own yet though, I need to practise leaving the house by myself and unfortunately I've had a reaccurring chest infection(christened the mystery lurgy) that makes me feel tired and ill all the time since December last year, it's unfortunate because my anxiety uses it as a reason to do nothing. Score one for the Hermit. My therapist challenged me on this last week and I realised I do become waaaaaay too cautious over anything to do with my lungs, I know why; I used to have very bad asthma all the way through my childhood, I was in and out of hosipital as a toddler and I've ingrained it into myself that wheezing = very bad, stop doing whatever you're doing and rest. It's something I'm going to work on.

Anyway, my doctor has been investigating it to figure out why it keeps coming back and why I have a small amount of something in my lungs all the time. Blood tests came back as everything is fine except I'm fighting off an infection... we already knew that but thanks. So he sent me for a chest x-ray at the hospital, the results should be back tomorrow.

Meanwhile I'm focusing on staying in the positive mood and will make myself work on my secret art progect for my sister's 30th birthday card. Her birthday is May 11th and I've not even started it yet, I don't want to put it off and off until it's the day before and far too late to do a decent job.

First post!

So I'm starting this blog to keep a record of and motivate me in my quest to beat servere social anxiety disorder. My current situation is as follows, I used to be a complete shut-in, I couldn't leave the house at all, I could cope with online socializing at my best but not at all at my worst, I can now go out with another person pretty much anywhere and it's not too terrible, I still get anxiety twinges but they are something I can live with. The next step is getting out alone and that is something I'm not so good at. I'm also struggling with getting a grip on a weird form of self harm that involves not looking afer myself so I have really horrible greasy hair(this stops me from going out because I can't possibly stand the thought of people seeing me like that) and terrible spots that I then pick at so they get infected (I only just acknowledged this for what it as, before that I was kind of ignoring it as a)because I was depressed and b) just a habit like biting your nails, but it isn't) and have tonnes of scars thanks to this. I'm about a third of the way there with the help of my fabulous CBT therapist but I'm at the point where I have to start making some really big changes and I think I've been backing away from them because, hey, change is scary.

The title of this blog relates to the names I have for two sides of myself, the Hermit; AKA the embodiment of my anxiety, this side likes to hide from everything, it is mostly responsible for me being in the state I was and still am to some extent. I never left the house at all and spent my whole time being miserable and shunning contact with other people because of it. And Lara Croft, AKA the flustration at my situation, the second side that wants to over compensate for the Hermit, she wants to go out there and do everything even if I can't psychically, mentally or emotionally cope with it. She is responsible for my many failed attempts at getting a 'normal' life because she'd make me drive in blindly without taking small steps towards a goal and every time I took too much on at once and crashed the Hermit would use this as evidence that the world is a bad place and I'm better off not in it.

They're both wrong if I only listen to one of them at a time, I need to find a balance between the two by getting my anxiety and flustration under control. I don't know if anyone will read this but if they do I hope they find some of it useful if they are in a similar way.